Killing them less than softly …

An American author, Danny Wind, in a clear stylistic reference to Jonathan Swift’s “Modest Proposal”, but without the degrees of irony typical of that far greater satire, recently wrote a book entitled “Let’s kill all the Belgians: a child’s guide to genocide”. It would seem that the Belgians have only been pretending to weakness and an almost total incapacity to govern themselves. In truth they have been planning a psycho-saccharin blitzkrieg for decades.

What the Belgians failed to achieve with their Mercator projection and its feeble attempts to make their tiny country look bigger, they will finally accomplish by dint of sucking American kids’ brains out once the latter have been reduced to sugar-saturated imbecility by a surfeit of waffles (as if that hadn’t already happened).  

Danny Wind is convinced that the waffle will be the main Belgian weapon of subjugation, closely followed by sprouts, beer and chocolate. I suppose the original plan involving Kim Clijsters, Justine Henin and a burst of Beethoven’s 9th narrowly missed total world domination. Like Mr Wind, this author is also concerned about the seriousness of the Belgian threat to ‘world peace’ (whatever that is) and feels that necessary steps must be taken. Desperate situations call forth desperate measures.  

In support, and despite some niggling concerns about the ethical correctness of eliminating Van-Eyck, Rubens, Rops, Delvaux, Folon, Spilliaert, Audrey Hepburn and the internal combustion engine, I would like to offer the burgeoning Belgian genocide movement an anthem, albeit a rather ragged one, to cheer their spirits and help them overcome any initial squeamishness.

So, without more ado, here it is:

“Death to all Belgians” * 

Oh, let’s kill all the Belgians

If that is what it takes

To free the world of waffles,

Witloof, sprouts and inline skates

Yes, do let’s kill the Belgians

Who needs Brel anyway

Magritte or Maigret, Tintin,

Audrey Hepburn or Solvay?

Let’s kill the Belgians slowly

By rendering them for fat

Their girls beat ours at tennis

And we can’t forgive them that

We should kill all the Belgians

And not wait another year

They pee on public buildings!

They mix cherries with their beer!

Ah, let’s kill all the Belgians

We needn’t stop to think

Just wave goodbye to Bakelite

And saxophones and zinc

A good Belgian’s a dead Belgian

Let’s all be sure of that

They drown their “frites” in mayonnaise

And their country’s far too flat

Jawohl, destroy the Belgians!

Firestorm Bruges and Gent

With a conscience clear as crystal

We’ll have no need to repent

For, if you kill the Belgians

Why, what is there to forgive?

They loosed the Smurfs upon us

How can we let them live?

* In observance of Commandment 13a, paragraph7 of the Codex Droodicorum, in which it clearly states:

“Thou shalt kill all the Belgians

Save thy neighbour, spouse and friend

(Where a few kilos of chocolate

For exceptions might amend)” 


Edwin Drood

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